Grief does not mean the presence of regret.
In a week, flowers will be flying off the shelves. Many dads/partners and kids will be fumbling through the latest wikihow, trying to make mom that perfect roast. In church services, moms will be standing as they receive the admiration and due accolades of their community. As they swiftly stroll the aisles of the grocery store, kids in tow, trying to save the day and find dessert, those that pass by will greet them with a warm smile and a heart felt “Happy Mother’s Day”. It is often the presence of children that make us all stand back with awe and wonder what beauty and strength God has placed in the heart of a mom.
But in every adoption, their are two moms. One who will be celebrated for her selfless act of adoption. One who as she juggles her child in the store will get the smiles and feel the warmth of a community in church that says, “You are my hero”. But the other mom, the birthmom, the often “silent” mom…
Does she stand in church when the minister asks moms to stand?
Does she brave the grocery store, knowing that she is just as much an incredibly brave mom as any of the others who are being greeted today?
When asked how many children she has, does she mention just the children living with her or does she awkwardly fumble through the projected shame and try and explain that she placed a child for adoption?
Does she even feel like she deserves to be called mom on a day that is marked by celebration and care?
When we forget that moms come from all places and their path to motherhood can be so different from the traditions of our holidays, we leave many courageous women drowning in even greater grief. We must hear their silent cries in our churches, our grocery stores, our families, our workplace, and beyond. We simply owe them the dignity of knowing that they are no less a mom than anyone else.
In 1990, a group of birth moms established the day before Mother’s Day as Birth Mothers Day. At Destiny Adoption, we encourage all adoptive families and friends to celebrate our birthmoms on Saturday but let us also make Sunday their day too.
No…even better..let us go big or go home! Let’s together take a stand and collectively declare this BirthMother’s Week to bring healing and restoration to the years of heartache many have experienced.
All birthmoms grieve and it doesn’t mean the presence of regret. On a day, where the grief might be a bit more real and painful, let’s hold our sisters, our coworkers, our friends in our arms and speak the words that although painful are much deserved. Let it be written in a card, or spoken through a gift or phone call. “Happy Mother’s Day” to the ones who have given the most beautiful gift that a person could ever give, family.
If you have adopted through Destiny Adoption and no longer have contact with your birth mom, reach out to us or the agency you adopted through and see if they can send a card for you or get a message to the birthmom of your child.
This week, we say “silent” moms, we hear you and we will be your voice and thank you for being a selfless, caring, compassionate mom. Happy BirthMother’s Week!
by Robyn R. Robertson – Destiny Adoption’s Director of Community Relations