Choices, god, we say this word like it’s this great thing. We talk about power and strength and having your own voice.
You’ll read articles and social media posts at Destiny Adoption and they will champion you and cheer you on. We’ll acknowledge your pain, we’ll promise to be there for as long as you’ll let us and if you just want to meet to discuss your choices we’ll present them all, no pressure. That is compassion in our eyes not judgment. There is no shame. The choice is yours, it’s your voice that matters.
I’m here to say that all of the above is true AND there are thousands of voices in your head prerecorded. Pastors, parents, aunties, friends, frenemies, enemies, tv, social media, god, and God and more all speaking their truth, their opinions of you and in the moments when you are sitting alone with you, you may find yourself in a house of mirrors like at the fair. Thousands of reflections of you all saying those prerecorded messages and the battle is finding the “true” voice… the original girl, who has lived this life. It’s not a single moment in this journey of choosing for you and your baby. It may be a regular occurrence. And to use the fair again, it’s that merry go round with the f#*@$ing horses that go up and down with the creepy music and you want it to stop so you can get off.
This all sounds dark but it’s real. We know it! There’s no sugar coating doing this journey.
BUT THERE IS HELP!!!
Statistics say that only 1 in every 15 expectant/birth moms take advantage of their clinical counseling offered during the adoption process. I’ve recently started therapy. I found a great therapist at a hugely discounted rate who I do weekly zoom meetings with and I’ve discovered that somewhere in my life I abandoned “me”. In making choices, the “me” I thought was talking was actually a thousand other voices that I had accumulated over my 48 years. My story is not yours, not even close, but the value of having outside help that’s not invested in your choices and is educated on unraveling the confusion, pain and anger is the same.
As you take this adoption journey, I am almost begging you to take the offer of free clinical counseling. You can begin to crash the mirrors that are the imposters and find your voice. It’s going to be hard but it will be worth it. I keep notes throughout the week of my ups and downs, my questions, the failures and the wins. I live my life by putting the hard stuff in a box on the shelf and ignoring it until it explodes. When I talk to my therapist, I face those things, unpack that box and some of those boxes are now gone. Some are dealt with and some I revisit often.
At Destiny we offer lifetime clinical counseling to our birth moms. After the dust has settled, you’re still there and that box may blow at any given time…2 years…10 years or more down the road. Wherever you are on your adoption journey, take advantage of those individual hours to talk to someone trained to help you sift through some stuff. It’s not a solution but it’s a tool. It won’t make it easy but it’ll help you find sanity on the days that seem out of control and dark.
Choices. They are powerful. You are strong and YOUR voice is what matters right now. There is help finding that voice.