So you are considering “giving your baby up” (placing) for adoption…and we would be far from truthful if we even tried to guess how you will feel if you do place your baby. Is it possible to predict?
No way! But, we have extensive experience and lots of real life stories that we have both lived through and navigated. Your thoughts and feelings are unique to you and how you handle it will also be completely your own.
What researchers have found is that birth moms who are able to choose their adoptive family and who have some predictable and consistent contact and information about their child’s life and well being generally experience less grief and felt more at peace with their decision to place. This might not be your preference or story but we can find families that match exactly what you are hoping for in every area including post placement contact.
Birthmoms who experienced the greatest levels of grief and anxiety after placement were those who thought they would have more open and consistent contact and the adoptive parents did not fulfill those obligations. This can occur for multiple reasons including (not limited to) the agency/facilitator was for profit and ended their involvement after placement, the adoption agency did not educate or set the expectations of the adoptive family, their was no post placement agreement between the birthmom and adoptive family, and more.
You might find that some adoption agencies consider it too much effort or too involved to help assist and mediate the rights of a birthmom years after a placement has been finalized. Ethical non-profit agencies, like Destiny Adoption, work tirelessly to make sure that every detail and communication is clear and expectations for post placement contact have been specific and mutually agreed upon.
At Destiny, we stress the importance of a Post Placement Contact Agreement and it is more than just a signed piece of paper. It is a written agreement regarding the frequency of pictures/letters and visits (if applicable) post placement. To set the birthmom and adoptive parents up for the least amount of grief and anxiety, we take our time educating and going line by line with both parties to make sure that everyone is completely clear and agrees. This takes time and patience and requires a team who values getting this right before placement so that after placement there are no surprises. These agreements are not legally binding in most states but even the states where it is binding, rarely do these agreements or disputes end up being used in court. This is why we take our time and are detailed about the agreement up front so that the rights and well being of the birthmom remains vitally protected for years to come.
As the birthmom, you have every right to slow down or pause communication if you are going through a stage of grief that seems to feel worse with ongoing contact. At Destiny, we will support you and the adoptive family through that season so that when/if you are ready to resume the terms of the agreement, we can facilitate that with little interruption or confusion.
You…first mom, birth mom, fearless woman… are and will be our #1 priority through the process of considering adoption, placing a baby for adoption, and beyond. Your process of thoughts, feelings and emotions will not ever come as a surprise and we will never belittle your grief or needs. We really want to help make sure that if you do or don’t choose adoption that you know what to expect and feel advocated and supported as long as you desire.